Am I going to be crushed or successful???

Today is Saturday, unfortunately this weekend is not going so well. This morning I was suppose to have SAP class, I came all the way from my home but the morning start was little rough. There were no ferry rides available, after a long await I finally got one but the driver was really scared. I asked him the reason that why is he so tensed and why can't he drop me to Dilsukhnagar?? I also told him without any hesitation that I would pay "50 rs" ouch!!! that hurts. But the driver was telling me "It's not about the money madam, strike is going on here we all are protesting against gas rates hikes which will last till Monday". I was actually running out of time, I was worried that if I would be late to classes my sir is going to be very upset. So, I somehow begged him to give me a ride. He was kind enough to accept my request and finally dropped me to the destiny.

Class was about to start at 8:15 AM but I was there at 8:30 AM. I was running on staircase to reach on time. The moment I reached there, MD was already talking on the phone and there was no electricity either. I just wished him Good morning then slowly sat in the lab. I could not even turn on the computer, so I was just wiping my sweaty face. After a prolonged talk with my SAP faculty, MD finally disclosed to me that today sir won't be coming, he is on leave. I was shocked!!! Well, this is not the first time, it happened for many series of times I tried to calm down but today I might have lost a bit temper. I told my MD that why there are so many intervals taking place for the classes. For the first few weeks it was going fine but ever since I paid my complete fee I had to see this kind of irritable intervals.

I was already crushed about how much money I wasted today for none reasons...At least in this institution I gained one job as a career counselor which was thankfully positions for counselors were vacant. Yesterday, MD offered me this cool job, I also told him I would be joining from Monday. My MD was impressed with my words, but I am sure he would scan my actions very well. I have to put so much focus on two things SAP and job in the same institution. I am not sure how far SAP can go well and cannot predict anything about job.

These thoughts have tangled in my mind, I feel like yelling out loud that "Oh God!!! I need rest!!!" Oops!!! Don't mistake me, I don't want to kill myself I just feel like there won't be any jobs, no work but only rest with can be able to earn some money...

I know I have fantasy dreams I have to come out of it. Well, from Monday it's going to be big day. I am not sure how will be my first day but I am pretty sure it's going to be dry for some time being. Let's see am I going to be crushed or successful???

I am not loser

I know what my mom always thinks about me that I am big pathetic loser. I don't have a job, no salary, plus I don't have a house by my own. My mom always tries to put me down with her curses against me. Haha she expects I have to be 100% perfect but I feel so sorry for my mom that she fails to understand one thing, every human being cannot be 100% perfect every person has their own defects and they sometimes destruct their own character according to situations.

These days I have been much enlightened due to some situations that I have seen. Post my favorite actor's alleged suicide, I realized few facts about life which is precious. We were born like insects before, then in the next birth we take animal form and the next birth we take human form. Then why can't be happy every moment???? I never realized this worth of life until I heard so many death news. Even if my mom thinks I am most lazy person, I have no skills, I cannot stand tall in society but her opinions does not give any impact on my strengths.

I have my own strength and who can judge me better??? It's one and only my knowledge towards the perspective of my life. Well, my best suggestion to all youngsters like me, please don't care your mama or papa's opinions, let that not give any negative impact on you. It is very important to love yourself no matter how hard it is to survive, just survive. Take an action, release your bad energy through sneezing, shouting or yelling... But never take it too personal which will lead you to one drastic step to hate yourself or killing yourself...

I will challenge my MOm that I will never be frustrated and that's it

Oh You Didn't!!!

"Sssshhhhhh!!!! Somethings we whisper, somethings we scream" I think this particular phrase is much applicable in Telugu film industry. I don't understand the problem of Telugu state no offense, but I intend to say these people suck big time.

There I said it, Telugu Film Industry sucks !!!! Ever since the news started pouring over entire TV channels about Uday Kiran's death sadly we fans have gone into depression. What TV channels are trying to define his suicide as a mysterious case unsolved. But the real story I scanned over the internet, in which journalists clearly defined about his suicide, that the four big families gave huge impact on Uday kiran's miserable career after the blockbuster hits he delivered. I have no issues to disclose their names on my blog they are, Chiranjeevi, Daggubatti, NTR and Dil raju families. Out of them, Chiranjeevi family was the keen focus behind his suicide.

There is also one strong reason that is dominating a lot which happens to be caste ism. I seriously don't love those who play brutal politics by applying caste feelings in any system. Sadly, this is an inevitable fact that cast feelings do haunt Telugu film industry. Uday Kiran was one victim who fallen in this stink pit. I thought Uday Kiran was strong man who never wanted to give up regardless of how much loss he might have faced. But, with his death the entire Andhra Pradesh state has shaken.

Here could be the real story, Chiranjeevi who happens to be the mega star of Telugu film industry gave birth to one monkey faced boy  who also happens to be stinky hero called "Ram Charan Tej". He wanted his son to grow high, unfortunately his son has no special abilities to talk about. He would rather be ignored because he has least charm. His face is purely ugly, I almost puke over the screen. Chiranjeevi might have thought Uday kiran is giving tough competition for his son so he wanted to smash him.

Ever since Chiranjeevi's daughter fell for Uday Kiran's charm, wanted to marry only with him, but the rich daddy was not happy happy. He agreed for his daughter's relationship with utter force. One fine day, Chiranjeevi knew Uday Kiran does not belong to "Kapus" caste. Oh no!!!! How heart breaking!!! poor rich daddy was regretful over accepting the marriage. Poor rich daddy finally turned into big villain daddy and eventually he called off their relationship. That was it!!! Uday Kiran's career was slowly falling apart also he was doomed.



There was a time when Uday Kiran always admired Chiranjeevi to whom he considered him as his hero. As soon as he realized his hero is also playing as villain Uday kiran was deeply shocked and went into depression. He often wanted to attempt suicide. Hmmm!!! That's weird I never knew this dark side before neither it published on any news papers. I just thought this love story and all must be one rumor.

Anyway, Uday Kiran was in the mode to move on, he was making movies but it turned out to be huge flops. He was unable to deliver any hits from his career pocket. But my enthusiasm never ended. Not just me, nobody ever hated. Unfortunately, Uday Kiran did not notice this stuff.



But Uday Kiran did not want to give up. He did not want to turn back, he wanted to stay the only reason he wanted to stay is because, he thinks he is hero  only winner but not loser. Uday Kiran also appeared on many TV interviews always told one thing to reporters "I will never give up no matter how many hardships I come across". I was so happy, I thought Uday Kiran is back on track he will prove that nobody will beat him, he has stamina and he could achieve anything within the snap of his finger. After some years passed, I heard Uday Kiran was married with his beloved lady "Visheeta". My heart broke not only mine, every girl of Andhra Pradesh's heart was broken. Because, our one and only heartthrob actor got finally married how could that be possible??? But still, I cheered for him because I knew whatever Uday Kiran does, he does the right things. He fell deeply in love with her, he would acknowledge his relationship so wide into the media that we all realized he is finally settled down in a good position.



As soon as he married, I saw great change in Uday kiran's physical appearance. His body tone was completely different as compared to his initial stage of career. He became much healthy, developed biceps, his face became muscular, what else to say??? He turned into complete 30- year old handsome man. Oh my god! Oh my god!!! He was looking too sexy. Post his marriage, "Jai sriram" movie has released and I was so thrilled seeing his new avatar as police cop. Apparently, I made so many plans to watch this movie but, America trip disrupted my plans.



When I saw this movie trailer hey!!! I was so surprised. I was thinking "Hey what happened to Uday Kiran I have seen him as chocolate lover boy, but now he is helloooooo hotieeeeee" Uday Kiran's performance drove me crazy, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I used to glare at the TV screen and my mom always had to shout at me "You crazy girl get off your face from TV screen". I was so eagerly awaiting for his next films, can't wait to see him more and more.

But, what happened to you young man??? Why did you leave me alone??? You left this world now I cannot catch you. You left so far away that we even cannot see your glimpse. What made you to do this??? Who gave this bloody idea to kill yourself??? The news of death passed shocking vibes into my body nerves I couldn't cope up with this extreme pressure.

At some point I did not believe what caused him to do this. Slowly, all the sources were revealing that Uday kiran had no film offers lately, his marriage seems to be losing stability all blah blah blah. I kept my heart strong, scanned the news more and more I wanted to know the truth that what exactly caused my favorite hero's death. And here it is with dark big headlines I found that "Chiranjeevi's family has caused his career to undergo misery for many years???" Then slowly all the facts came out through his wife's interview. She said Uday Kiran was not happy man and he was stuck in the stardom world never wanted to come out of it.

I was completely surprised opening my mouth wide, I could not imagine that Uday Kiran was depressed for many years. He was so happy in the pictures. Well, pictures say many words isn't it??? Behind every happy picture there is always mysterious truth hidden. May be Uday kiran was happy, but he was just pretending only for camera, for people, for his fans but he realized that he cannot pretend anymore. He realized that he cannot live in this kind of industry where there is only "Star" domination. So he wanted to sleep forever.

Oh You didn't!!!! Uday sweetheart you didn't have to do this just because some ignorant people are trying to put you down. Why do you have to shatter yourself??? So many questions have raised in my mind.

If Chiranjeevi's family is accused for his death then I would say "You mega star family go to hell, burn in hell and at least when you all die don't occupy my sweetheart's paradise world there"

I know you would never leave me alone

That was a time during the year 2000, Telugu film industry which happens to be locating in South India, was actually rocking. I was just 11 to 12 year old but I was very bright at my age quite matured too. I used to watch so many Telugu movies because of existence of so many handsome actors. One of them was "Uday Kiran". He was introduced to films in the year 2000 and then he never looked back. He left giant charm in every one of his fan. Uday Kiran has completely occupied in my heart . The moment I watched him on TV the very first thing that drove my attention towards him, was his beautiful smile.

I fainted, I drowned into the ocean of love. That time, I used to have huge crush on Uday Kiran. According to that, he used to work in such type of movies where girls can easily build one kingdom for this charming prince. He used to be a lover boy, he always chose to work in beautiful love stories. Whenever he smiled at any scene there was cute dimple always popping up on his cheek. He would surrounded by many women whenever he used to go outside. He was much adored by teenage girls, he was an icon for youth, he was also an icon as lover. If any girl would dream to get married, then she would always imagine her husband must be looking like Uday Kiran.

I always wanted to meet him but never happened in my life. When I was 12 year old, Uday Kiran was successful leading hero in industry he was flooded with so many TV shows and I was always staring at him, melting down, then slowly fainting to heavenly world. I was school going kid apparently, my school happens to be world's largest stinking school. Teachers were so strict, loads of homework, every day was an exam and sometimes surprising tests. Eww!!! Isn't that terrible??? But I must admit I was one lucky kid because, regardless of how much stress I experienced I was never broken. That is only because of Uday Kiran movies.

Perhaps, whenever I used to go to school I used to listen to his songs on my mini radio that I always carried in my bag. Whenever my teacher used to scold me I always imagined his smile and slowly my anger fades away. My frustrations towards exams also faded away just because of Uday Kiran.

My dad always used to surprise me by taking me to his movies on the first day of release. There was so much joy for me, there was great revere towards him. Even I grew up as an adult but still I never stopped watching his films, interviews and most importantly his lovely romantic songs. Sometimes, I was so jealous on his co-stars I used to feel "How lucky they are!!!!" The way his characters have been portrayed in every film was so adorable.

Today, it's been one week already after his death. You all are surprised isn't it??? Yes sadly, Uday Kiran died one week ago and it has been reported that he was lack of film offers which drove him into depression. This has caused him to commit suicide. But you know what??? I never feel Uday Kiran is died. I always feel like he is alive may be he is existing in every part of the nature. I feel like I am being watched by him.

Yesterday at evening, I was waking at the park, after 35 minutes of rigorous walk I took the direction of my old school and I walked through that street. God!!!! It was so nostalgic. Every nook and corner of the street was reminding me those days when I was huge fan of Uday Kiran movies. I wore school dress, having two braids, carrying my lunch basket, jumping on the street while humming his movie songs. Those were the days!!! It is so miracle for me, because I felt the presence of Uday Kiran beside me. The cool breeze passed through my face suddenly and my body trembled. My hands and feet suddenly started to sweat. I did feel the presence of Uday Kiran that moment. Although, I cannot see his physical appearance but I could feel his delicate soul coming closer to me to spread more love.

Exactly one week ago, I felt squeamish. That morning was horrifying. I was normally packing my bag for going to institution then I heard the panic voice from my sister, that she was telling me "Uday Kiran is gone he is dead" I collapsed and froze. At some point I thought my sister was lying or this must be publicity stunt. But after few minutes, pictures started to flood over the internet of his dead body. That was it!!! I went so deep into the darkest world I just couldn't utter one word. I walked straight to my classes, although vehicles were moving back and forth on the street, I still felt the absence of my spirit. I just did not know what to do. I started to pray to God then beg him to return him to this planet. Give his heart beat back, give his breathe back. Let him survive because he has long way to go.

But, I was slowly realizing some day some one must leave this world. Uday Kiran may be not here in this world but he has life in paradise world. He must have been so stressed and so much heart broken when he was alive. He must have been depressed poor guy did not get any help from anywhere. Finally, Uday Kiran wanted to search his own path so he chose this way. But, he never thought about his fans may be he did not realize that he still had fans even though some recommended actors have dominated this industry.

I was waiting for his more films, to see his charm, to listen to his songs, to watch his every move. But now, I cannot see anymore because he wants to rest in peace. He wants to take long holiday until next birth. He is so tired, he wants to sleep. I will let him leave this world peacefully. Because, I am not just big fan of him I am also devotee. May be last week  I was shattered, but I begin to realize that he is not going to leave me or any of his true fan alone. He will be with me, us and everywhere. He wants us to be happy still cheering for him.

"Dear Uday Kiran, you are an angel now, you are being taken care of so many angels don't worry you are in peace and harmony. May be not this time but in the next birth you will born like a man with real guts like Tiger, you must kill those who killed your peace of mind. I love you Uday and I would never miss you, because you are in my heart".

After a long back huH!!!!

Good morning all,

After a long back I am writing blog again huh!!! I don't know when exactly I posted my last blog here but I would say it's been 11 months ago. I am back again. In this 11 months of time, you all don't know how exactly I have transformed like a better human being.

I am back from America but it's already been 5 months. Staying in America for 6 months changed my personality and attitude. What should I say??? I am here to pay my token of gratitude to my dear Uncle, who is firmly responsible taking me to "Art of living" and "Meditation" classes. Because of these sessions, I have changed completely. Well, not completely at least half a part but I am better.

Those were the days when I used to be so nagging, stubborn, childish, brat and reckless. Now, I think I have become very mature. That is because, I realized life is a great education. Every experience, every moment in my life taught me how to be optimistic. Even though I have come across many hurdles ever since my completion of graduation, but I did not intend to give up on my only property left is "Smile".

My friends and so many people to whom I know specifically asked me "Hey Madhu please don't give up smile, you look so cute when you smile". Haha I was wondering "Oh!!! Is it so???"

But their words strike a chord in my heart, I too smiled looking myself in the mirror and then I realized, wow!!! I am worth to gain some attention for this happy and flawless smile. After going to America, I had to give up on my dear "English literature" studies. By seeking advice from my uncle, I chose to step my feet into SAP, which belongs to marketing in IT field. For the first time, I was so enthusiastic. But as the time passed by, I slowly started to develop the regression  about giving up my English literature. I am good at writing, expressing my thoughts in a flood of words, but all my skills were sabotaged with so many feedback coming from my uncle.

Thanks to Art of living classes, as soon as my feelings started to bubble up, I was being enrolled into this course. And I heard so many valuable points about life and all. I slowly begin to realize that nothing is important more than beautiful life. So what, if my English literature is gone, so what if I joined in SAP? So what, if I am unable  to do well at some point in my course? My intention was to not give up on life. I will live, I will, I will live. Let's see how far I can survive??? Let's see how far will I have to travel on these rough roads and let's see when can I encounter the long await bright light passing through dark tunnel.

I have totally become unpredictable about life. But I feel so good. I love "Not knowing". When I know something, things start to become worse.

So here it is, bottom line is, I don't know how many people would love this post and how this post would make sense to all of you??? I just want to stay here, expressing my thoughts in a words. I won't give up literature if that makes me happy. I won't give up Art if it brings me colors of joy. I won't give up smile if it can break huge mountains on my shoulder. I am going to stay here...

God shall bless me ^_^