Desperation kills

Finally, I figured out I am completely fallen into the pit of desperation. Desperation is what killing me all day and night. And this desperation is about my love, relation, my boyfriend and my entire life. I wanted to prove something, for whom or for what?

My love has become like an obsession now. This has never happened to me before. I went out with so many guys before meeting Nic. And I broke up so many times, but I was never desperate like this. Probably because, I was used to it or I did not feel anything about it. Now, I can completely feel Nic is into me. He completes me. He full fills my entire soul. He is actually amazing. But my tendency has been climacteric past few days. I feel completely useless, my brain is empty who else can I talk to I am lost.

Nic is a kind of man who loves himself, very well accomplished person who is self-disciplined, self-taught, wise and matured. He is much better than me. His life is complete when he got wonderful brothers who care about him. He does not know the meaning of “Desperation” at all. He is an outgoing person and he can trust anyone easily. But what is the major drawback in his nature “stubborn”. This is the extreme quality that drives me crazy. He is actually perfect but I am realizing I am not perfect. He is superlative, highly spirited however I am not. But today my mother made me realized that Nic is not wrong guy he is really descent person. But it’s me who is screwing this relationship.

I have been doing so many mistakes past two years of this relationship. The first one, I am caring about everybody, all the flaws and criticism. Second, if anyone is criticising Nic in India, I am unable to digest that and I am quarrelling with them over this issue. Third, I keep every bad things mind that travels me to the negative direction. When Nic always taught me to be towards optimistic side, I never listened to him. May be I was deaf at that time, my body was soulless. Just for his satisfaction I promised him but I never kept the promise faire. I must change, I must really change. I must stop caring people; I must stop caring flaws of society. I should never expect anything from anybody not even my own parents.

Since three days my heart is making sounds of rattle. Every night I am awake from sleep, feeling completely disturbed with the nightmare attacks. I do not want to lose Nic. Unfortunately; my changing will not give any benefit as long as Nic can actually become successful person. He is struggling very hard to survive in Shanghai. Yesterday Nic informed me that his PC broken down due to the heavy water drops fell on the computer which directly attacked hardware and he lost his entire work data. His mind was screwed up again. I thought yesterday is the best time to reconcile with Nic and to make him believe that I am changing as better person. But my fate is not good. As if now, Nic cannot talk to me for more than 1 week. Now, how can I confess about my truly changed nature? How can I confess that how much I need him?

Things are getting wrong. Nothing is happening well.  When God himself did not care my prayers and wishes for Nic so how long should I believe on heavenly angels? I hope everything will fix in right place and we can start all over again a whole thing new… 

If a Man who loves his woman, he is considered to be real man…

I do not have rights to ask updates from my boyfriend. I wonder if he is fine or not, I wonder if he is feeling al right there. I am afraid to call him, I am afraid to ask his updates. Is it so wrong giving him so much care? As what people say “If you give too much love, you will lose your own values so never become slave for your feelings”. I used to think, this is utterly bullshit. But now, I feel it’s right.

Perhaps, love has become like scar in my heart. A big scar that cannot be cured even after applying creams, even after time passing by. But I have no patience to be strong. So many people told me to have patience, to do this or to do that. But my patience is dead. Enduring power is dead. Also I cannot cope with being strong all the time. It is very hard to be strong. I must keep smiling all the time in front of my parents, if I am sad my parents will scold me that I am sad but they do not understand my real emotion. I just wanted to go outside somewhere, very far, where there are no human beings except animals and plants.

As if now, I am really getting irritated with this human life. I feel like to end it. I cannot wait for the dooms day to occur; I just want to smash this entire life, so that I can rebuild in a right way at least in my next birth. I know you all might think perhaps I am sounding like an evil person, but right now I am going through utter depression. Depression is because, I feel completely lonely, no friends, no time to talk with my boyfriend. I can feel everyone around me is extremely busy. But I am just sitting somewhere in the corner weeping all the time, begging everybody to spare limited time with me. Then one day, I would probably become like mad person. Huh!!! Mad people are much better than me because, mad people will laugh happily they will enjoy, they will dance and they do not care what society might think. I must really learn from mad people that how to be so happy….

I do not want to complain about any stuff. But what I really require is affection. Why am I not getting affection? I am giving affection to everybody, I am giving care and support to everybody. I talk very well, I will move out very well. I never look down on others. Then why do I get ill treatment from people? When every girl is having loving and caring boyfriend, but my fate is completely different. Of course, I understand my boyfriend. He is busy, extremely busy; he has no time to take fresh air at least. But at least for limited time about 10 or 5 minutes I wish he could talk to me. I wish he could give me so much care, love and attention. I wish my boyfriend would never blame me whenever I am sick. I wish my boyfriend will never blame his fate whenever I share my pains with him. Love is not only co-operation or understanding. Love is also coping up with the pressure coming from two sides. When you love your family so much, when you love your life so much, when you love your work so much, then I wonder if any girl is crying for you how you can be so careless. Is this because, men are proud or is this because we women are cheap? 

Cannot keep choices opened?

From the day one I am born, I thought making friends would be easier. But now I feel I am utterly crushed down. Making friends is really not an easy thing. I have seen so many Chinese people, Americans or from any country, they have big gang of friends, I am just questioning then why cannot I have?

I do not harm anyone, I do not hurt anyone, I do not play with people’s emotions, I treat everyone equally, but still, not many people are willing to talk to me. Is it because, I am fat, I am not beautiful? Or I am not doing any job? So far, in my country I have not met true friend… With whoever I made friends, they all used me for their purposes only. Some of them had intention to have sex with me, or some of them had intention to complete their project works by using my hard working skills. Some of them wanted to make themselves look more attractive and eye gazing personality keeping me beside while treating me like crap. Is this what real friendship is? If this is so, I don’t want friendship, if this is what happens then I am happy to be alone. Earlier, I used to hate myself; I have never been partying around, never hanged out with my mother to shopping centres or family affairs. But now, I am really willing to go outside. Then why is my heart stopping me still? I want to step outside I want to see the world, I want to see so many things happenings around me. But still I cannot go. The only thing stopping is me insufficient money and insufficient confidence to deal with human beings. I have spent so much money to cure my depression. I wanted to make myself happy very badly. So what is the best way for that? So many ideas poured in my mind of course I will treat those things evil.

I bought two cell phones this year, and I bought one good looking, attractive laptop so that I can full fill my desires with these materialistic elements. But I have realized, materials are non-living things, they cannot talk, and they cannot listen to me. But I can talk to them, although I feel happy about one thing. At least materials will not leave me. I keep sharing everyday about my moments with my toys. My toys will look at me with no motion and with the same smile. Perhaps, I am lonely I feel like I am moron. I have to indulge into some activities. What happened to me this night? I was walking on the road, and then suddenly I kept thinking why should I be sad? Is it because I have no friends? Is it because people don’t like me? Or is it because, I am not thin? Then I still kept thinking these are all bullshit. Nothing is meant to be in this world. I have seen many people dying in hospital or in my family. They have struggled living for money, for proper settlement. But one day every person has to leave this world. We are not permanent then why should I keep thinking about bad stuff? When memories can fade away easily, when sad things can fade away as the time passes by, so why cannot I keep myself happy? I have many things to do. I am not sure, if the world is really going to end. But before the world ends, or before I die, why should I consider those who do not love me, who do not listen to me?

God gave me birth, God brought me in this world, and I have only one life. But am I really forgetting to enjoy every second? What happened to me? Why am I becoming so evil? Why am I thinking too much? Why cannot I love myself? Why I am not satisfied with anything. Just like the thing happened with cell phone recently. At first I bought one phone with an affordable price, but I was not satisfied with it, I sold it after two months and then I bought another phone huh!!! I am not satisfied again. Desires are increasing, hopes are growing high, and expectations are reaching far too high. Clouds are distant from me, but my mind is really in the air. One day I must wake up and I have to realize, I am living in fantasy world. In fantasy there are lots of love lots of happiness. But in the real world there is no love, there is only selfishness. Why? Because this is human nature…