My bag is packed

 Sometimes,

The world turns against me,
the ocean hurl more storm
to the way I safe dive,
the child inside me grievously
crying to be eternally pure.
Literally begging my body to stop
growing,
begging my heart  to not get
trapped in wrong side of relations.
At times...
friends hurt,
lovers hurt,
families hurt.
And we grow up , pondering,
differentiating the hurt level.
Some levels are toxic bridges
which I wouldn't regret blasting
them, going to a jail
for disrupting the property.
Cause some lands where
houses are no longer harmony
should never be named a home.

Here, I have been stuck into
a home, for long assuming,
every cheerful wish
from family is
is a sparkle of love only love
that blooms and doesn't wither.
I hydrated it in fear of not
killing them, preserved them in
home where I planted my own
sunlight.
It was a perfect rehab for
them, peacefully,
stabbing my back
until I cried in poodle of blood.
Crying for mercy.

Where am I? See!!! Always get carried away.

Why am I changing?
Should I feel worried
about it?
Like I am trapped in several
personalities.
Being a married woman, a lover, a friend
please him. Please her. Please them.
Please them but don't Please yourself. 
I shove the conchshell to the other side of ocean.
Why?
Cause I want to be silent,
silent as a deep sea water,
a secret like fishes digging for treasure under the sea.
Cause I am tired to blurt,
but I bleed the ink
on paper.
I become a story, I become a poem.
But now I don't want to be anybody.
So...my bag is packed. Are you coming?

Poetry title: Time is running out

 It's too late.

Too late to miss me or miss myself 

I agree there was a time

I was into those things

madly, wildly, passionately

devoted to craziness,

that led me to 

a pond of crying ripples

where my eyes dazzled in pain

and I cajole the joy is still

a long await. 

Time is running out,

I am panting, sweating

It's funny, how

restless I could be even though

I am standing still,

leaves moving

following the wind.

I am still standing

waiting for another siren,

hoping if I could see one

final glimpse.

And I didn't know time is

running out.

Why would it wait? 

Stupid me!

It doesn't have hard feelings. 

It doesn't have soft corner for my agony.

It doesn't care. 

It doesn't hesitate to purge the days 

not minding if I get older

with wrinkles 

forming my face,

my hair turns grey.

Time runs out minding

it's business. 

sitting across the window,

blowing out the snowy 

breeze, tracing fingers 

in shape of hearts

hoping that he would 

text me someday,

that he misses me 

as much I swear on 

my frail vision 

whimpering for his return. 

Time is running 

out along with seasons

changing colors and 

clouds migrating destination,

but there isn't a fairytale 

morph. 

I chased for straight A's 

to earn better job,

I ran miles to get great 

health,

I chased him to 

get a family of my own.

With only fear for time running 

out, I ran, chase, ran, chased again 

with results that shook me;

harsh and memorable. 

Time is running out,

with each passing second 

I realized, I learnt a lesson 

from mistakes.

I fixed myself with wounds decorating

my soft arms,

to run again with crippled feet 

cause the time says "you can do it" 

and when people actually 

mocked my dying piece of 

soft smile, 

I cried with each passing second,

played with time again,

flew the kites with it,

we wrote poetry together.

While the time is running out,

I ran along with it 

and the transition to evolution

is truly a gift.

He moved to his native place. He doesn't want to talk to me. He wants to stay alone peaceful and happy. He asked me to not call him anymore because he assumes that I am gonna torture him. His silence is killing me, therefore I can see him online on facebook chatting with his other friends so active but why cant me?

Fine, if he doesn't want to talk I wont bother him anymore. What happened to me? I was very strong and responsible enough. I used to be focussed in work but today because of him I couldn't do my job. I feel miserable now. He spoke to my sister and he told her that I should be strong because he will return Hyderabad in the month of March and he will land a new job. I wonder if he loves me or not. When he is asking me to fuck off why am I still begging him? He said he needed a break but I cannot endure when he chats with his friends. Fine!!! I will endure with silence no matter what shit going to happen I will be calm. 

I feel like screaming my guts out. What am I doing with myself? How come I ended up as a crying baby? I had no clarity not even now. Life seems so unfair, dead people are lucky. Ever since I finished my graduation, I have been working day and night as career counselor but I did not gain any reward except regret. Tried my luck in media but its not working out. Looks like I am going to end up as a big fat loser. I have regrets about my decisions. My parents think I am growing older although I am just fucking 25 years old I still think I am young but my soul is old. I am stuck, I can't move, I can;t think. Is it because of constant failed relationships? Every man I met so far has hit me on my head with a big rock punched me until I stopped  breathing. I was never scared of losing someone I moved on quickly but why am I becoming fragile now???

The only thing that keeps me happy is working in a school with bunch of kids who have no idea of relationships all they know is to play. Whenever I see them smiling, cheering, jumping and dancing I feel like how lucky they are they have long way to go ahead. When I come out of school the radiant smile on my face fades slowly. Its all because, I am in love in a fucking love. I am in love with a crazy, insane guy called "Romeo". He is a sucker of love. He loves me, but not the way I do. He wants me but not the way I do. My perception is totally different. He stands North and I stand South, Our thoughts, ideas are different. Both of us are crazy people, we cry, we die, we live, we stand, we fall. The only difference between me and him is that, he never gets scared of losing me but I do. The fact I hate myself is only because I am in love with ruthless man Romeo. I dont hate him, I am hating myself. I am blaming myself. I dont know why am I doing this? I want to control my feelings I am well aware of that. But why can't I do it?

Wherever I am going, I am watching couples kissing and hugging. I see boyfriends pampering their girlfriends whenever they are mad. I am envied now. Why can't I get that kind of life? Why doesn't any guy pamper me? Why do men think I want to win all the time? I want to get married and settle down as a queen of his heart. When every girl is getting what she wants but I have craving ending up with it. Romeo is something different he is magical in his presence but when he is absent he is just disappeared. He never cares if I cry all he knows is laughing. I wish I would be much strong as him, But I am wasting my precious life thinking and shedding down tears, But he is very joyful. I hate him because of that. Can't he cry for me? 

Do I look like a bitch to you??? Or do you treat me as a slave ????

Dear Romeo???

romeo??? I mean how stupid that name sounds its hilarious, fucking hilarious. You are just 6 years younger than me and I cant believe I am dying for you every minute. You have been mistreating me for over an year and I have been enduring this even though I don't want to and that is more painful than anything in this world. Your name is Romeo but I do also believe that your character is like Romeo. Why have you been rising false expectations in me??? Is this some sort of revenge? Or you want to kill me slowly?

I did realized you are like a drug that I am addicted to. Whenever I suck your lip, I feel like I am travelling beyond heaven and the next minute I forget my sorrows. Why do I always feel like you should be beside me? But when I turn around you are not there its like your dead leaving scar in my heart and its deeply wounded perhaps you dont care. I want you, but you never be there. You laugh at my emotions, when I scream you laugh hard and when you laugh hard my heart is always wounded. But you do turn up like an ointments who wants to cure my wounded heart but its too late Romeo you must know that its already been septic. The more you hurt me the more I am bleeding.

Who changed you to be more reckless? You take money from me whenever you want to, but then you dont really understand in return what I need is your care. What am I thinking/? You dont know the meaning care at all.

50-50 movie review

Cancer is a kind of disease or illness which can be cured in extreme rare cases. Probably patients may experience a delicate balance of life and death during the process of Chemotherapy, but 50-50 movie has inspired many young cancer fighters in a much positive direction.

 This movie talks about a young man named Adam (Josepth Gordon Levitt) aged around 25 years old, acknowledges his "Schwannoma Fibrosarcoma" which is simply referred as tumour or spinal cancer after suffering from long time back pain. When he discloses to his girlfriend Rachael (Bryce Dallas Howard), his best friend Kyle Hirons (Seth Rogen) and his over caring mother Diane Lerner (Anjelica Huston) they all get shocked and burst into tears. Unable to endure this fact, Adam does minimum research about his disease on internet which says it has 50-50 chances of survival, upon hearing this Kyle feels at ease and consoles him by arranging gathering, taking him to malls, and offering him hot girls for dates.

Adam becomes desperate to release his stress so he completely relies on his girlfriend Rachael who happens to be an artist, but Kyle and none others develop trust on her. Adam believes in her, Rachael even drives him to hospital but she refuses to meet his colleagues in some or other way. Adam seeks psychological help from clinical therapist Dr.Katherine McKay (Anna Kendrick) who turns out to be different from Adam's expectations. She is just 24 and he is the only third patient for her and he experiences uncomfortable situations, although she tries to prove to be at her best.

As the plot passes by, Adam begins to learn that Kyle has been using his cancer for taking girls out to date, where as Kyle encounters Rachael kissing an anonymous man at artist gallery. Kyle takes her picture to show to Adam that he has evidence to prove Rachael is not a real good person. Thus Adam breaks up with her and becomes gloomy. Eventually, Adam learns that even Katherine has experienced similar problem with her ex boyfriend that led her to stalk him on Facebook every night, which makes him feel comfortable in passing events. After some days passes by, Adam's friend Mitch Barnett (Matt Frewer) who happens to be suffering prostate cancer, dies even after the chemotherapy treatment is done. Adam becomes depressed and loses his faith and hope towards his recovery, even doctors would feel that chemotherapy does not respond so well so they recommend him to undergo surgery which has risky factors of his survival chance.

The end note is positive of course when the tumour is successfully removed, Adam survives and then he begins his date with Kathering McKay. On the other Kyle who really cares about Adams stands his side for every single time and judges positively about his new girlfriend thus the movie ends.

Review: 

Although this movie is about a boy who suffers from cancer, I expected the narration would be heavy loaded with so many sentimental emotions and crucial dialogues, instead this turned out to be a huge surprise. The narration is pretty light weighed and generated comic relief throughout the screenplay. Joseph Gordon Levitt and Seth Rogen are natural performers, their dialogue delivery, expressions were positively remarked and proved their chemistry best on screen

This movie happens to be around male centric but still director  Jonathan Levine gave platform to every other character too. Unlike any other Hollywood film from what I have seen, I always learnt that every plot had extracted from novels, but this was a different experience. This movie is loosely based on Screenwriter Will Reiser's real life cancer experience which has impressed me most. In fact I have done enough research about this person and inspiration drove inside. What it really surprised to me most is, this movie hasn't nominated for Oscars but it doesn't matter as long as it is well acclaimed right?

I am Indian, every movie related to cancer is loaded up with many emotions even the Chinese movie "Under the Hawthorn Tree" has also ended up with sad note. But 50 50 changed my perception towards Cancer that any person can fight against it as long as they have positive spirit.

Coming to the point of technical aspect I really loved the work of cinematography, background music and editing thanks to Terry Stacey, Michael Giacchino and Zene Baker for their every effort. I have noticed some scenes were slightly shaking as if the camera was held on cinematographer's shoulders. I was so eager to go behind the scenes and I was surprised to see how well they have managed to capture scenes. The camera movements has some shakes that indeed produced beauty. Here are some example shots I am sharing that I loved it most...

 This shot is captured from extreme long shot showing the location of Adam's way to residence

 This shot is captured from extreme long shot showing the location of Adam's way to residence

This shot shows the environment of where Adam and Kyle always love to hang out at around cappuccino, captured from extreme long shot

This shot represents Adam's dullness and sense of isolation and even the ambience is well balanced, capture from top angle 

Close up shot of Adam, which shows his misery post his harsh break up with Rachael. 

Great to movie watch, really makes our heart feel light and pleasant. A light comedy and satisfactory performance of actors. Beautiful cinematography with pleasing background score and well edited scenes which prevented dragging for this drama centric screenplay, leads me to rate this about 8/10

The only thing which I really disliked about this movie is for Kyle's way too abusive words he used. Well can't complain about it much though but I still loved this movie. 

I wish I could get an opportunity

I never travelled anywhere, only myself, alone somewhere far away. I just recollected the memories of last year's America trip and we exactly landed this month on this date. I have visited many places like Disneyland, Niagara falls, Las Vega. But I was encompassed by my relatives. Since my childhood I had to spend every time with my family, but I never got perfect opportunity to seize the day for myself.

I do not know if I could survive till 40 or 50, future remains mystery forever. Ever since I joined in job, apart from terrible work schedule, what else I have in my hands to seek for??? Working for money, working for society, working for reputation, but I never worked for fixing my soul at peace.

So I have incorporated all my emotions into this piece of art. My character has reflected in that girl. That's me, how I exactly feel when I am alone, I would feel the breeze, could hear the sounds of birds and I would feel the nature is within me...

Title: I am under bliss while travelling

Medium: Dry pastel colors and charcoal pencils

Paper Size: A4 Size

Finished date: 8/10/2014

Art by: Madhurima