Thursday's mood

The part of greediness and selfishness attitude is increasing in me. In fact, I feel this way every second of my life. I wonder why I became like this. Is it because, there is sort of wild eagerness developed to create my own world? To become independent, to move out of home, these intentions developed like a hype mountain. My heart is ruptured with so many hurts.

Why did I grow up? Why am I 21 now? Why am I matured? Why do I have to realize this cruel world so easily? When I was kid, I did not know anything about evilness. Now, I am almost matured to distinguish between good or bad, right or wrong. It is really painful for me to accept the truth that I have also realized evilness in my mother.

My mother always thinks I am not good daughter for her. Because, she thinks I do not respect her, I don’t care her feelings and I don’t understand her emotions. Is it really true? If I have to list down certain things about my willing, I expect my mother would respect them too. I am not kind anymore, I am grown up. I wanted to be independent is this wrong? For instance, I asked my mom to give me one separate bedroom after I entered to 18, because all my friends have separate rooms. When I asked my parents, their response was really harsh and they treated me like as if I wanted to steal their property. Perhaps, they don’t trust my character either. When all of my friends have their own world, I wonder will their parents suspect their characters. Certainly no! I lost most of my friends just because my mother is too judgemental about them. Friends drop into my house to meet me, some friends may wish my mom, and some may not. But my mother catches the negative point from their attitude, and she would stress that point towards me. Hence, she tries to manipulate me to break their friendship. I was still kid at that time. So, I have to obey her blindly. Until I realized, that she is still trying to control my life, I am getting hurt. When I get hurt, obviously I will cry. When I cry, I expect my mother to hug me and say “Honey I am with you, sorry to hurt you dear, it is just because I really care about you sweetheart”. Instead, I will see something else scene. My mother gets angry when I cry, she freaks out wild, then starts to jump on bed, tries to pretend that she is getting heart attack, scares me with death, and hurts me emotionally. I have never pictured about my mother this way. I don’t have any freedom to express my feelings. Because, no matter whatever I try to say it turns out to be an issue.

Last month, I got the job in kindergarten school as teacher. I felt happy because I am stepping to independent position. I shared this news with my mom. I thought she would be happy. But my expectations went in vain, when no longer my mother did not feel happy about it. She has insulted me indirectly by reminding my painful past when I was forced to fail 1 year graduation. She told me this way “You failed your 1^st year graduation right? That is why you’re choosing low profile jobs.” Upon hearing this, I fell apart and I could not endure further. She has also scared me that being placed as kindergarten teacher would be much stressful. Since this is first time I will be going out and working somewhere, so I hoped to get some encouragement from my mother so that I would not feel nervous at all. I have no problem if she stops me, but if she is really willing to guide me I do hope she would guide me in right way with appropriate teaching so that I can understand. But, she never does that.

Now I am really eager to earn some money. I did not distinguish between right or wrong and I blindly registered for freelance work from gainwithgoogle.com. When I registered it, I thought I will earn so much money and with that, I can move out of home and I can start living being my own. But, it has turned out to be fake. I have spent 1250 rupees for registration and I did not expect it will turn out to be fake. Now, I am really afraid to share this news with my parents. I am sure, they will blame me badly. So I am enduring it. I try myself best to distract their thoughts and hopes on my work. I am also trying hard to make them forget about my job so that won’t ask me.

Besides everything, I still love them that are reasons why I am getting hurt so easily. I am not witch to abandon them.  When they need me, I will give them all my support.

But I really thank my boyfriend at least who gives me huge support. Even though he knows all these things happening in my life, he never felt stressful and never felt sad. Instead, he makes me happy with his words and always gives me courage, guides me in right direction. He loves me, respects me, supports me and makes me feel alive. He wants to give me new life, wants to protect me. I am very lucky. But there is no use still because, he stays far away oceans from me that he lives in China and what he could do is to just show mercy on me. But he still gives me enough strength with his brave messages. And I also have adorable sister who understand me. The only thing that I could survive in this house is only because of my sister. And if my boyfriend would have left me, I could have been dead already.

                

It is the time...

After the end of graduation, I certainly feel light hearted stressed person. Unless having some minor tensions dropping from home, but it seems I keep telling myself to be "Strong", rather being considered as little tawpie. It is the time for myself to develop new creative ideas that I can explode in the form of short films, designs or art works. I feel extremely happy again to start with new project. It is going to be my personal work where there are no restrictions, no deadlines or some lectures. And  this is certainly great opportunity for me to learn and explore some new things again, that  I would officially implement my graduation learning outcome onto this.

I have decided to make a short film based on the deeper inside emotions of a heart broken girl who struggles to earn back her lost happiness, earn back her lost love, trying to overcome the barriers of displeasure life. This is completely an art based movie. I would be making this entire with the skills of my illustration level and there wont be any extra technical support like lights, camera or tripod etc., the tools are going to be my hand, pencils, figures and dry pastel colors. I will try my best to adjust with colour tone, mood of scene. Since this is the first time, I am picking up challenge to make a short film with the help of art, I have to keep my entire body in focus with steady work.

Here is the basic plot of my short film that I will be sharing with you all now. There is a girl who seem to be torn down with deep sorrows in her life. She is pale, desolate person, with many wounds carrying in her heart which will reflect on her face. She is bitterly heart broken person,  and  trying to overcome the pain of lost love, she walks to miles but cannot figure out her destiny. She shares about her pains of loosing her true love with everyone, but unfortunately none of them can succeed to give her mental strength, since that moment she decides to walk herself to find the bright side of her life. Here is the moment that she even cannot move on and stand up to gain the energy back. It is very painful of loosing the side of true love. Perhaps, it is  very hard to find true love these days. This is how she feels at every consequences in her journey. And now, her eyes are loaded with painful tears, she is now loosing vision and cannot walk longer, exhausted from battle and she is almost fading away, thus decides to give up. The moment she is collapsed, then there is a bright side of sunshine rays falling on her. The brightness awakens her with sudden rush and heart beats faster. As we always say, every person will have bright side of a life and now this girl's dream is coming true. The bright side has changed her personality and now she lowly turns into pleased angel with full of life. Breaking the curse of fierce heart break period, she is now blessed like angel who travels her heart peacefully. And she recognizes that true love for her does exists after all, fate is does not harm anyways. Therefore, she finally finds her long await Prince, who lends his hand forward, and grabs her to his arms safely protecting her from cursed storm. He therefore, kisses on her forehead and thus changes her fate with a happy end.

Through this story, I wanted to convey message that even though we get painful scars in love, but that does not mean our fate cannot meet happy end. Every person finally ends up with true love.

Technical support will be given by : Santoshi (For taking photographs of series of images which can be used as reference).

I am here to stay focusses on this project and my plan is to make entire film with portrait expression in every sequences. I hope you all have loved the concept. If there is any suggestion you think is required, feel free to pass on here. Thank you all... 

My Beautiful Art Journey

I feel like I am in total bliss these days. Its been a year I have been practising art regularly coming up with different concepts, sketching it then colouring. Art work keeps my mind in heaven and I can feel the pleased sense of charm blooming from my soul. Art has become part of my life just like meditation. Day to Night that I am surviving at home, but everyday I am meeting with new tension from my parents who act imbalance and also sometimes they are being over dramatic towards me and my sister which pours us into sweat of stress. But, as soon as I open my sketch book an try to put my tears into art work, I can feel it that the new passion develops from it

Right now, I am establishing myself to be the part of artists and their world. I especially thank to Facebook, blogs, e-mails or online share websites, which has provided me the platform to expose my passion in art and I can show the world what I wanted to be. The world is really becoming competitive and we are among them who struggle to touch the feet of success. By seeing other's work we try to enhance our skills. This is what I learnt from my personal experience.

I was kind of girl who never wanted to draw, never wanted to put the pencil stroke on paper. Perhaps, I always thought I was not a good artist. During my childhood, I have always seen my sister sitting on floor peacefully, keeping her lips wide into two directions, I can see how happy she was... holding the brush in her hands, with that she used to paint many pictures. My sister has appeared very peaceful. I can say, I was inspired from her sense somehow. I begin to draw but I wasn't much good with strokes. Then I slowly gave up.

It then happened for me to comeback with art, when I joined my graduation in Digital Media college called "ICAT (Image College of Arts, Animation and Technology). Apparently, I wasn't still having clear picture to distinguish the study of Animation and Visual Effects. Career advisor suggested me to take up the course of Visual Effects if I don't know how to manage with art. I believed her blindly what kind of an idiot am I? When my course has started my heart was not beatific, the tension was still there because, I thought I cannot compete with art. It happened when I met art prof. named, Jinson Joseph. He seem to be like clergymen for me. He was enthusiastic about Art and he never endured any mistakes from the student to happen while making art piece. I have become victim under his attitude, Whenever I used to hold pencil, he would stop me with sudden rush and always warned me "No! No! this is not the way". There were no best feasible chances for me to enhance my way of sketching under his point to point expression. And my affluent love towards art has ended.

Then after some period of time, I met another professor named "Mohan Singh". He was affluent man with enhance art nature inside his soul. He loved his own world, and he loved the world of Painting. Precisely, I was completely influenced by his lectures and he never interrupted my sketching. No matter how the way I sketched, he was the one who used to support me for what I am. He has made me realized that, I have an artist in my soul and I gave birth to it. The first painting was beach landscape view. It has turned out to be beautiful painting ever as compared to previous works

                       This image was the first art work from my experience that I tried with 
                        colouring... Medium: Water colors  (Isn't that looking beautiful?)

Then after, I did not look back I just went on with the flow and I made many many many art works. Since then, I realized, art is nothing to do with mastered mind set. It truly depends on us how we put up our thoughts in an artistic manner. You see everything around you with your beautiful fairytale vision, then you will notice how beautiful your world is. This is how art makes me to feel. When I begin to sketch, I feel like I am turning like fairytale and I have magic in my own hands that I can colour it as my wish as I can.

Here I am sharing with you bunch of art work collection that I have made it so far till 6 months. I collaged all of them through digital technique in Photoshop. I hope you all would love it too... ^__^

                                     Image: Collection of my best art works so far... 

Chinese film makers have great spirit

Does anyone agree that Chinese films are not worth? No one could possibly agree with this point. I can see from many Hollywood Film makers who are getting truly inspired from Chinese cinema culture. The bottom line is, Chinese film makers have great spirit which can reflect in the each story of movies. They have great potential to build the script with interesting narrative structure.

Every film has simple story line but, utmost important to focus on here is screenplay. As long as the screenplay is built strong, it will make the audience glued on to their seats and their attention would not distract towards movie. Chinese film makers do carry this important point while making films.

If I take an example for this topic, I would present about one movie called "Starry Starry Night" which I have seen two weeks ago. This is Taiwanese drama film based on illustrated novel by Taiwanese author Jimmy Liao and released in the year 2011. Considered as pleasant movie, with pleased cinematography and direction by Tom Lin and Jake Pollock. Story is very simple, its about one 14 year old teenage girl named Xiao mei who used to live with her grandfather up in the mountains. Later, moves to the city to live with her parents who are well experiencing and work-related stress and are having marriage problems.

One day, Xiaomei was attracted to a beautiful recorder melody of a Christmas carol played by her neighbour. She later realizes that it was Xiao jie who is also troubled with family problems and severe bullies from classmates in school. Xiao mei gets attracted to Xiao jie by seeing his love towards art. Their friendship begins blooming when, Xiao mei saves Xiao Jie from being getting seriously bullying from his classmates. In order to save Xiao Jie, both Xiao mei and Xiao jei get into fight which leads them to cause with injuries. Apparently, they also save from each other from not getting into any troubles.

Suddenly, shortly after her beloved grandfather's death, Xiao Mei's parents announce divorce. Upon hearing this, Xiao mei falls apart and decides to run away from home with Xiao jie who does the same with her. During their journey Xiao mei and Xiao jei discuss about their family problems where she realizes that Xiao jei is suffering from terrible issues with his father who brutally hits him and his mother. For which lead him to decide to run away from home with Xiao mei. Xiao mei comforts him after a while.

In the night, the weather was too foggy for them to enjoy. Xiao Mei also develops fever. Xiao jie gets worried and he carries on his back to reach till wooden shack. Later, he contacts Xiao mei's parents while she is asleep. When Xiao mei woke up, finds herself laying on bed in hospital beside her mother. Later, when Xiao mei reaches to 10 grade, she receives the missing puzzle part of "Starry Starry Night" art piece.

Many years later, Xiao Mei moves to France to live with her mother and step sister. As they both walk down the street, she finds one showroom which has all the missing piece of jigsaw puzzles in display. Upon entering the shop, Xiao mei sees a jigsaw of "Starry Starry Night" which has the same missing piece as her's.

So, this is the adorable plot. Also the entire picturization is adorable too Great cinematography, aesthetic mood sense, and fabulous lighting with pleased colour sense has been added advantage for the success of the film too. When you see the film, you will be evoked with the pleasing sense of freshness, charming in your heart. The film carried out with the emotions of Xiao mei and Xiao jie in an artistic sense. They visualize every part of their life with the fantasy thoughts which depicts that they are in need of happiness. And when Xiao mei and Xiao jie are together their world turns out to be beautiful illusion that we feel our mind and body is driving us to different directions of their fantasies. For example, in the part of climax scene, when Xiao mei gets effected with the news of her parents divorcing, she visualizes them as broken puzzle pieces and tries to rejoin them back into their forms. And she also realizes that her life is like missing piece of jigsaw puzzle too that connects with the missing piece of painting called "Starry Starry Night".

Over all, this movie is amazing. How Intelligent that Chinese film makers could be? They tend to keep their films low profile, but thanking to International Film Festival, which is truly responsible for giving the exposure of eternal films in China. I love you China and I love Chinese films...

Keep watching my blog coz, I would update more reviews of films that I watch... I hope you all enjoyed this too ^_^ Good Night everyone...


The still image is from "Starry Starry Night" Taiwanese movie 



The still image is from "Starry Starry Night" Taiwanese movie 


The still image is from "Starry Starry Night" Taiwanese movie 

The still image is from "Starry Starry Night" Taiwanese movie 



The still image is from "Starry Starry Night" Taiwanese movie

Why is there no solution?

I feel like I am lost sometimes. And then I feel like I have to come back to this world where I am living now. Whatever I see in films the love, care, affection coming from people to the main protagonist is bullshit. But why cant they show reality? You all may think I am talking nonsense so I will come to the key point now. The bottom line is, I am sometimes happy, sometimes not at "home". Because, there is no consistency in the behaviour of my family member especially my parents... 

My mom and dad are born dramatic people, which they always pretend that they have hype difficulties like mountain and they are the only couple who has to sort out the danger causing to world. And everything to them is like sky is falling down! sky is falling down! sky is falling down!. I have seen many of my relatives who are very happy with their lives. No offence but, I must reveal the fact that some of my relatives were struck to the point of danger zone in their lives and they have also faced insults and abuses coming from society for their accidental dangerous problems causes. But my relatives still stayed calm, and they never shared their pains with anyone, when I used to see them, I always thought they are happy people because they keep smiling as if nothing happened. It does not mean that I am supporting my relatives here, I just wanted to convey that even though you have any difficulty why can't you be cool? Especially my parents are so uncool at every situation. 

I wanted to insinuate to them that life is truly affluent. Everything you see around you seem to be really colourful and charming but the fact is we don't cherish with them and we keep complaining about our loss, and we keep hunting to regain from loss. I just became calm these days, not talking at home its only because no matter whatever I talk I am afraid issue will raise up and I will bang the doors with anger, then I will yell at everybody like mad psycho pathetic woman on planet. This is true, all of my friends have seen me like charming person, but when I am so much angry I will roar like Lion that my throat also pains. I don't know what else to do? Because, my mom and dad's traits keep irritating me eventually. For example, tonight's situation. Ever since I have completed my graduation, I thought I am in good pace because I decided to study Masters degree and I also designed good planning about my life. I never regret that I studied Digital Media spending lakhs of money fee at every semester and gained nothing in the result. Because, I can understand this so called Media field requires those who are enthusiastic, have passion to work day and night. So, for me it may take some time to reach that maturity level that is why I opted for higher studies. But my mom and dad cannot keep these things away. They keep bugging with problems telling us that "We have spent so much of fees for your studies, but unfortunately you people have gained nothing". I will get real irritation, I feel like shouting at them saying this way "Will you please shut your mouths? If you don't know how to encourage kids just go to hell". If we keep talking against to parents, friends would say "Dont worry they are your parents they have rights to do anything but it does not mean they don't love you, they love you very much". Oh come on! I don't believe their papery hearts. If they do love us, they would have always understood us at every point. I love my parents very much of course I would respect their views also, but do they respect our feelings? If they are parents it does not mean that they can say anything to their kids. Perhaps, we are grown up adults now, we too have hearts of course we will be hurt. 

Already I feel grieved because I had faced one year Academic loss in ICAT when my ex-academic head failed me without giving chances. I thought to give up, but I still came back to this field, because I knew this field is not to be blamed, but the people around here sucks. I am sorry to say but they must grow up. Every Indian treat Multimedia like Engineering. You will be graduated, as soon as you graduate, you would get the job, monthly earn 30000, serve for your family, then get married, give birth to children, rise them, make them to get marry again and then finally you die. Is this what we have lame life? Some people want to do different things, too bad parents wont let them to do. When my mom raised the topic of jobless in Multimedia, I thought to yell again, but my sister caught my feelings and she controlled me. But I felt like it was stabbing my head for 50 times with pain. I don't want my parents to keep insulting my field where I am graduated from. But they must understand the basic values that the Media field takes plenty of time to settle down with good position in India especially. 

If I have invested much money from parents I am terribly sorry.... Why is there no solution? even after graduation???

Thursday, 12-07-2012

I wonder why God has made human to grow up and to get some stupid responsibilities that we have never expected since our childhood time. I especially blame mine. Sometimes you feel very lonely even though you have people around you. You will have many things to say but you don't know with who else to share. Because, we are afraid that this world does not accept sorrows. People these days are mostly frustrated that they want to listen to some good things rather always listening to worse cases. Perhaps, I keep myself calm because I do not want to mess my mind sharing my hardships with friends or with anyone else. But I can say that I hate to be grown up.

I want my childhood life back. I used to play, laugh, always loved mommy and daddy. But after growing up, I am matured with my mind I came to know about many things and this is the worst thing in my life. Grown up world has painful tears more than happiness, because we are stupid and we take everything seriously. But we never learn to be courage because we do loose some important things from our life and we keep thinking about it, we analyse it. I don't know about other's but in this category I belong to top spot ranking. My mind keeps wandering around with crazy silly thoughts. At first, I have finished my graduation now I am awaiting for my results declaration which has to come from board of Annamalai University. I don't know why I have been thinking very negative that I will fail this year because, I remember my first exam how stupid it was. Exam paper was delivered late, invigilators were not serious, and the questions inside the paper were completely strange because we never covered the syllabus of Annamalai during classes as we have been followed with Wales curriculum, totally lame. So my demands are minimum I at least hope I would be passed out then I can quickly apply for distance education for Masters degree. But every night when I sleep, I get nightmares that I failed this year, my mom and dad are screwing me up for bad results because they are naturally over dramatic. And one more blow in my mind struck was "English Foreign Language University (EFLU) entrance results". I wrote two exams one is for Mass Communication and the other one is for MA English. Unfortunately, I am not selected in any of them. Its really mind blowing, coz I always thought I can do well, because I speak English, I write English well so I can get into MA English like piece of cake. Hence, I was utterly wrong, I did not realize about tough competition until I faced the entrance exam and I got the failed proof. I hate the Universities conducting entrance exam. After failing in entrance exams, my confidence level gradually decreased down. I though I was big fat pathetic looser and I felt ashamed of myself. 

All of my friends, including my overseas friends that I communicated two weeks back, have informed me that they are so busy in their lives. Some of them got dream job, some of them got into beautiful University. But I am just lacking behind staying inside home and I am just taking private Internet lessons. Its okay with me of course I feel strong still that I can cope with failure and I would learn more better. But its of no use. You see, when you go outside explore the world and gain many friends then you hang out with them has real fun. When your young just around 22, you will be wild but I am not wild in fact, I am just a sugar have no friends nothing. Then I keep thinking about my personal life also. Its quiet natural when any girl gets boyfriend she becomes much conscious about him. My Chinese boyfriend is wonderful now, who is well settled in Shanghai I mean not well settled, but at least he is living in Shanghai have good job. He has plenty of friends and when he is visible online, everyone would buzz him. He keeps talking to them at the same time he talks to me too. Apparently, he sends me late reply because he is pretty busy talking to his old buddies. Of course he would do that, because he is boy. Boys have many friends and they give equal importance to them too. Finally, I am here just staying in my bedroom whole day and have nobody around me. Thanks to my doll qi zai (the character from the movie CJ7) is always with me I play with him like small kid. And at least my elder sister still there so I do not feel anything bad. 

But I wish to go somewhere, where I will have fun, adventures with no risks and honesty with no cruelty, but this world is not harmonious so its waste of time to think about this. Sometimes I feel my boyfriend is right because he keeps complaining that I talk nonsense. Perhaps, yes! 

Well, I am here to say one mind blowing news now, I am making one personal project which is called "Short Film". The story, script has not yet done but I got faire idea to start with. Very soon I will start my project and I am keen on working on this stuff.. I will try my best to not think anything messy and I will keep calm myself. Future is mystery... 

Way to go ahead (End Of graduation)

Hello, good evening everbody, I am back to blogging after such extreme long break it makes me feel beatific. I am here to announce officially that my graduation has completed successfully. Although I did not get any result yet, but my classes to end so, my possibilities of going to college is zero. After completing my graduation, I made quick decision to opt for higher studies. The fact is, I gained less knowledge during my graduation level. But I can at least proudly state a sentence "I learnt great experiences". Perhaps, I did not suffer any roller coaster rides during my course. Not just me alone, hence all of my classmates ended up with less struggles as compared to Wales students (My seniors). But the fact, that we all faced was "official discrimination" regarding University issues. We were in Indian University, so we got less, light weight coaching as compared to Wales. Thanking to my well trained brain which made me to work for myself for the project. Which in result, its happy good bye end to college. Thanks to all my classmates especially, "Rueben, Pronoy and Aman". They have never let me feel insecure, and gave their full support to me. I did not fall down, because I felt I had 3 great pillars behind me to pull me back from drowning state. "Rueben, Pronoy and Aman" miss you guys, and I also wish you all the best :)

Well, its time for me to decide my career that what shall I do after my graduation? I decided to get into Masters in English Literature. I love English, and one day I wanted to become one good writer which is always my dream. So I am here blogging now, bringing out the real author inside me. I did some crazy things during these days. First thing, I tried freelance work (actually still working) its satisfactory. second thing I went to pre-primary school to join as teacher. But unfortunately, I had to give up because of the contract basis programme. But I must say, handling kids aged under 5 was really difficult task for me. Although I had fun, but I realized it needs terrible patience. So, finally I got the clarity in my life. Thanks to my elder sister Santoshi who influenced me  in right track to just focus on my higher studies and nothing more else.  This is perfect now!

Well, my friends I also heard special news coming from my college (ICAT) that, it is been now affiliated under Birmingham University (UK). Congratulations guys !!!. This news I came to know when few days back I stepped into my college and I saw everybody flared up with exultant behaviour. I was surprised people in front offic, first, second, third, fourth and fifth floor were celebrating exultant success with the new affiliation. I just wanted to join back, but I laughed at my intention again. Well anyway, the coming students would be luckier.  I wonder why ICAT has been always taking foreign University? Indian Universities could be never on list. Hmmm! Whatever, I wish everyone good luck and for the new arrivals, just be tough, fight best.

So here I am, ending my page, thanking you all. My graduation has completed but its still long way to go. ICAT will miss you somehow (emphasizes only on friends) :D

Note: From now this blog would be continued but not just as final project blog, it will contain everything about my life, my future works, my personal projects, my personal movie reviews, casual topics everything, everything and its about everything :) I hope you all would enjoy my blog.