I do not
have rights to ask updates from my boyfriend. I wonder if he is fine or not, I
wonder if he is feeling al right there. I am afraid to call him, I am afraid to
ask his updates. Is it so wrong giving him so much care? As what people say “If
you give too much love, you will lose your own values so never become slave for
your feelings”. I used to think, this is utterly bullshit. But now, I feel it’s
right.
Perhaps, love has
become like scar in my heart. A big scar that cannot be cured even after
applying creams, even after time passing by. But I have no patience to be
strong. So many people told me to have patience, to do this or to do that. But
my patience is dead. Enduring power is dead. Also I cannot cope with being
strong all the time. It is very hard to be strong. I must keep smiling all the time
in front of my parents, if I am sad my parents will scold me that I am sad but
they do not understand my real emotion. I just wanted to go outside somewhere, very
far, where there are no human beings except animals and plants.
As if now, I am really
getting irritated with this human life. I feel like to end it. I cannot wait
for the dooms day to occur; I just want to smash this entire life, so that I
can rebuild in a right way at least in my next birth. I know you all might
think perhaps I am sounding like an evil person, but right now I am going
through utter depression. Depression is because, I feel completely lonely, no
friends, no time to talk with my boyfriend. I can feel everyone around me is
extremely busy. But I am just sitting somewhere in the corner weeping all the
time, begging everybody to spare limited time with me. Then one day, I would
probably become like mad person. Huh!!! Mad people are much better than me
because, mad people will laugh happily they will enjoy, they will dance and
they do not care what society might think. I must really learn from mad people
that how to be so happy….
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