Cannot keep choices opened?

From the day one I am born, I thought making friends would be easier. But now I feel I am utterly crushed down. Making friends is really not an easy thing. I have seen so many Chinese people, Americans or from any country, they have big gang of friends, I am just questioning then why cannot I have?

I do not harm anyone, I do not hurt anyone, I do not play with people’s emotions, I treat everyone equally, but still, not many people are willing to talk to me. Is it because, I am fat, I am not beautiful? Or I am not doing any job? So far, in my country I have not met true friend… With whoever I made friends, they all used me for their purposes only. Some of them had intention to have sex with me, or some of them had intention to complete their project works by using my hard working skills. Some of them wanted to make themselves look more attractive and eye gazing personality keeping me beside while treating me like crap. Is this what real friendship is? If this is so, I don’t want friendship, if this is what happens then I am happy to be alone. Earlier, I used to hate myself; I have never been partying around, never hanged out with my mother to shopping centres or family affairs. But now, I am really willing to go outside. Then why is my heart stopping me still? I want to step outside I want to see the world, I want to see so many things happenings around me. But still I cannot go. The only thing stopping is me insufficient money and insufficient confidence to deal with human beings. I have spent so much money to cure my depression. I wanted to make myself happy very badly. So what is the best way for that? So many ideas poured in my mind of course I will treat those things evil.

I bought two cell phones this year, and I bought one good looking, attractive laptop so that I can full fill my desires with these materialistic elements. But I have realized, materials are non-living things, they cannot talk, and they cannot listen to me. But I can talk to them, although I feel happy about one thing. At least materials will not leave me. I keep sharing everyday about my moments with my toys. My toys will look at me with no motion and with the same smile. Perhaps, I am lonely I feel like I am moron. I have to indulge into some activities. What happened to me this night? I was walking on the road, and then suddenly I kept thinking why should I be sad? Is it because I have no friends? Is it because people don’t like me? Or is it because, I am not thin? Then I still kept thinking these are all bullshit. Nothing is meant to be in this world. I have seen many people dying in hospital or in my family. They have struggled living for money, for proper settlement. But one day every person has to leave this world. We are not permanent then why should I keep thinking about bad stuff? When memories can fade away easily, when sad things can fade away as the time passes by, so why cannot I keep myself happy? I have many things to do. I am not sure, if the world is really going to end. But before the world ends, or before I die, why should I consider those who do not love me, who do not listen to me?

God gave me birth, God brought me in this world, and I have only one life. But am I really forgetting to enjoy every second? What happened to me? Why am I becoming so evil? Why am I thinking too much? Why cannot I love myself? Why I am not satisfied with anything. Just like the thing happened with cell phone recently. At first I bought one phone with an affordable price, but I was not satisfied with it, I sold it after two months and then I bought another phone huh!!! I am not satisfied again. Desires are increasing, hopes are growing high, and expectations are reaching far too high. Clouds are distant from me, but my mind is really in the air. One day I must wake up and I have to realize, I am living in fantasy world. In fantasy there are lots of love lots of happiness. But in the real world there is no love, there is only selfishness. Why? Because this is human nature…