Desperation kills

Finally, I figured out I am completely fallen into the pit of desperation. Desperation is what killing me all day and night. And this desperation is about my love, relation, my boyfriend and my entire life. I wanted to prove something, for whom or for what?

My love has become like an obsession now. This has never happened to me before. I went out with so many guys before meeting Nic. And I broke up so many times, but I was never desperate like this. Probably because, I was used to it or I did not feel anything about it. Now, I can completely feel Nic is into me. He completes me. He full fills my entire soul. He is actually amazing. But my tendency has been climacteric past few days. I feel completely useless, my brain is empty who else can I talk to I am lost.

Nic is a kind of man who loves himself, very well accomplished person who is self-disciplined, self-taught, wise and matured. He is much better than me. His life is complete when he got wonderful brothers who care about him. He does not know the meaning of “Desperation” at all. He is an outgoing person and he can trust anyone easily. But what is the major drawback in his nature “stubborn”. This is the extreme quality that drives me crazy. He is actually perfect but I am realizing I am not perfect. He is superlative, highly spirited however I am not. But today my mother made me realized that Nic is not wrong guy he is really descent person. But it’s me who is screwing this relationship.

I have been doing so many mistakes past two years of this relationship. The first one, I am caring about everybody, all the flaws and criticism. Second, if anyone is criticising Nic in India, I am unable to digest that and I am quarrelling with them over this issue. Third, I keep every bad things mind that travels me to the negative direction. When Nic always taught me to be towards optimistic side, I never listened to him. May be I was deaf at that time, my body was soulless. Just for his satisfaction I promised him but I never kept the promise faire. I must change, I must really change. I must stop caring people; I must stop caring flaws of society. I should never expect anything from anybody not even my own parents.

Since three days my heart is making sounds of rattle. Every night I am awake from sleep, feeling completely disturbed with the nightmare attacks. I do not want to lose Nic. Unfortunately; my changing will not give any benefit as long as Nic can actually become successful person. He is struggling very hard to survive in Shanghai. Yesterday Nic informed me that his PC broken down due to the heavy water drops fell on the computer which directly attacked hardware and he lost his entire work data. His mind was screwed up again. I thought yesterday is the best time to reconcile with Nic and to make him believe that I am changing as better person. But my fate is not good. As if now, Nic cannot talk to me for more than 1 week. Now, how can I confess about my truly changed nature? How can I confess that how much I need him?

Things are getting wrong. Nothing is happening well.  When God himself did not care my prayers and wishes for Nic so how long should I believe on heavenly angels? I hope everything will fix in right place and we can start all over again a whole thing new…