Thursday's mood

The part of greediness and selfishness attitude is increasing in me. In fact, I feel this way every second of my life. I wonder why I became like this. Is it because, there is sort of wild eagerness developed to create my own world? To become independent, to move out of home, these intentions developed like a hype mountain. My heart is ruptured with so many hurts.

Why did I grow up? Why am I 21 now? Why am I matured? Why do I have to realize this cruel world so easily? When I was kid, I did not know anything about evilness. Now, I am almost matured to distinguish between good or bad, right or wrong. It is really painful for me to accept the truth that I have also realized evilness in my mother.

My mother always thinks I am not good daughter for her. Because, she thinks I do not respect her, I don’t care her feelings and I don’t understand her emotions. Is it really true? If I have to list down certain things about my willing, I expect my mother would respect them too. I am not kind anymore, I am grown up. I wanted to be independent is this wrong? For instance, I asked my mom to give me one separate bedroom after I entered to 18, because all my friends have separate rooms. When I asked my parents, their response was really harsh and they treated me like as if I wanted to steal their property. Perhaps, they don’t trust my character either. When all of my friends have their own world, I wonder will their parents suspect their characters. Certainly no! I lost most of my friends just because my mother is too judgemental about them. Friends drop into my house to meet me, some friends may wish my mom, and some may not. But my mother catches the negative point from their attitude, and she would stress that point towards me. Hence, she tries to manipulate me to break their friendship. I was still kid at that time. So, I have to obey her blindly. Until I realized, that she is still trying to control my life, I am getting hurt. When I get hurt, obviously I will cry. When I cry, I expect my mother to hug me and say “Honey I am with you, sorry to hurt you dear, it is just because I really care about you sweetheart”. Instead, I will see something else scene. My mother gets angry when I cry, she freaks out wild, then starts to jump on bed, tries to pretend that she is getting heart attack, scares me with death, and hurts me emotionally. I have never pictured about my mother this way. I don’t have any freedom to express my feelings. Because, no matter whatever I try to say it turns out to be an issue.

Last month, I got the job in kindergarten school as teacher. I felt happy because I am stepping to independent position. I shared this news with my mom. I thought she would be happy. But my expectations went in vain, when no longer my mother did not feel happy about it. She has insulted me indirectly by reminding my painful past when I was forced to fail 1 year graduation. She told me this way “You failed your 1^st year graduation right? That is why you’re choosing low profile jobs.” Upon hearing this, I fell apart and I could not endure further. She has also scared me that being placed as kindergarten teacher would be much stressful. Since this is first time I will be going out and working somewhere, so I hoped to get some encouragement from my mother so that I would not feel nervous at all. I have no problem if she stops me, but if she is really willing to guide me I do hope she would guide me in right way with appropriate teaching so that I can understand. But, she never does that.

Now I am really eager to earn some money. I did not distinguish between right or wrong and I blindly registered for freelance work from gainwithgoogle.com. When I registered it, I thought I will earn so much money and with that, I can move out of home and I can start living being my own. But, it has turned out to be fake. I have spent 1250 rupees for registration and I did not expect it will turn out to be fake. Now, I am really afraid to share this news with my parents. I am sure, they will blame me badly. So I am enduring it. I try myself best to distract their thoughts and hopes on my work. I am also trying hard to make them forget about my job so that won’t ask me.

Besides everything, I still love them that are reasons why I am getting hurt so easily. I am not witch to abandon them.  When they need me, I will give them all my support.

But I really thank my boyfriend at least who gives me huge support. Even though he knows all these things happening in my life, he never felt stressful and never felt sad. Instead, he makes me happy with his words and always gives me courage, guides me in right direction. He loves me, respects me, supports me and makes me feel alive. He wants to give me new life, wants to protect me. I am very lucky. But there is no use still because, he stays far away oceans from me that he lives in China and what he could do is to just show mercy on me. But he still gives me enough strength with his brave messages. And I also have adorable sister who understand me. The only thing that I could survive in this house is only because of my sister. And if my boyfriend would have left me, I could have been dead already.