Thursday, 12-07-2012

I wonder why God has made human to grow up and to get some stupid responsibilities that we have never expected since our childhood time. I especially blame mine. Sometimes you feel very lonely even though you have people around you. You will have many things to say but you don't know with who else to share. Because, we are afraid that this world does not accept sorrows. People these days are mostly frustrated that they want to listen to some good things rather always listening to worse cases. Perhaps, I keep myself calm because I do not want to mess my mind sharing my hardships with friends or with anyone else. But I can say that I hate to be grown up.

I want my childhood life back. I used to play, laugh, always loved mommy and daddy. But after growing up, I am matured with my mind I came to know about many things and this is the worst thing in my life. Grown up world has painful tears more than happiness, because we are stupid and we take everything seriously. But we never learn to be courage because we do loose some important things from our life and we keep thinking about it, we analyse it. I don't know about other's but in this category I belong to top spot ranking. My mind keeps wandering around with crazy silly thoughts. At first, I have finished my graduation now I am awaiting for my results declaration which has to come from board of Annamalai University. I don't know why I have been thinking very negative that I will fail this year because, I remember my first exam how stupid it was. Exam paper was delivered late, invigilators were not serious, and the questions inside the paper were completely strange because we never covered the syllabus of Annamalai during classes as we have been followed with Wales curriculum, totally lame. So my demands are minimum I at least hope I would be passed out then I can quickly apply for distance education for Masters degree. But every night when I sleep, I get nightmares that I failed this year, my mom and dad are screwing me up for bad results because they are naturally over dramatic. And one more blow in my mind struck was "English Foreign Language University (EFLU) entrance results". I wrote two exams one is for Mass Communication and the other one is for MA English. Unfortunately, I am not selected in any of them. Its really mind blowing, coz I always thought I can do well, because I speak English, I write English well so I can get into MA English like piece of cake. Hence, I was utterly wrong, I did not realize about tough competition until I faced the entrance exam and I got the failed proof. I hate the Universities conducting entrance exam. After failing in entrance exams, my confidence level gradually decreased down. I though I was big fat pathetic looser and I felt ashamed of myself. 

All of my friends, including my overseas friends that I communicated two weeks back, have informed me that they are so busy in their lives. Some of them got dream job, some of them got into beautiful University. But I am just lacking behind staying inside home and I am just taking private Internet lessons. Its okay with me of course I feel strong still that I can cope with failure and I would learn more better. But its of no use. You see, when you go outside explore the world and gain many friends then you hang out with them has real fun. When your young just around 22, you will be wild but I am not wild in fact, I am just a sugar have no friends nothing. Then I keep thinking about my personal life also. Its quiet natural when any girl gets boyfriend she becomes much conscious about him. My Chinese boyfriend is wonderful now, who is well settled in Shanghai I mean not well settled, but at least he is living in Shanghai have good job. He has plenty of friends and when he is visible online, everyone would buzz him. He keeps talking to them at the same time he talks to me too. Apparently, he sends me late reply because he is pretty busy talking to his old buddies. Of course he would do that, because he is boy. Boys have many friends and they give equal importance to them too. Finally, I am here just staying in my bedroom whole day and have nobody around me. Thanks to my doll qi zai (the character from the movie CJ7) is always with me I play with him like small kid. And at least my elder sister still there so I do not feel anything bad. 

But I wish to go somewhere, where I will have fun, adventures with no risks and honesty with no cruelty, but this world is not harmonious so its waste of time to think about this. Sometimes I feel my boyfriend is right because he keeps complaining that I talk nonsense. Perhaps, yes! 

Well, I am here to say one mind blowing news now, I am making one personal project which is called "Short Film". The story, script has not yet done but I got faire idea to start with. Very soon I will start my project and I am keen on working on this stuff.. I will try my best to not think anything messy and I will keep calm myself. Future is mystery...