I left the fate of all.

I suddenly feel like my body is frozen like an Ice. I was losing my senses, but I had to get up and regain my energy because I was wondering if I could continue to be like this, I cannot be alive, I have to take care of myself rather taking care of others. Yesterday morning, I did not expect that I would see the hell happening in front of my eyes. Whenever I stay at home, I feel like a doom is coming over me, especially when I see my mom I feel like my inner organs of my body is completely collapsing into millions of pieces. My mother gives me so much tension that I cannot forget for at least half a year the way how I endured pain from her.

I did not know that my life after graduation will be harder and harder. When I was in University my life was much easier, because I did not have to face any pressure at home, I used to hang out in college in order to escape from every sort of issues that drives me crazy. Things in everyone’s life occur without any expectation. Like now, without expecting I got an opportunity to go America.  I am actually very excited to go America, it’s a dreamy country and most possibly I can meet some of my friends there who are waiting for me. Apparently, this time I really cannot go to America. When I informed this to my parents they gasped with surprise and they were shocked by listening to my rejection for this trip. The reason behind for my rejection is about my studies and my master’s degree. After my graduation, I have applied Master’s degree in English literature and communications in a very well-known reputed University. But, this happiness did not last longer until I heard the trip to America. I thought to share with my parents about my problems of education, if I will go to America I cannot focus properly in my studies and therefore my upcoming project works. I expected my parents will encourage me, because they will feel happy if I am putting keen focus on my works. Apparently, my expectations were turned out to be something else that I never thought this issue would take place. My parents did not encourage me, in fact they hated for my rejection. And they started to force me with their authorities.

My parents told me, that I can continue my studies in America, but I have to sacrifice my project works, and my career. I cannot do this. It seems so ridiculous, I will see my own cousins who live in America, visit India rarely to spend time with us. But they live here hardly for 2 weeks. And no one will stop them no one can force them to stay back. They can continue their education peacefully; perhaps their parents might be more considerate and even more understanding. I wish my parents could understand me much better. I wish they could understand my dedication and my hard work towards my career. They think I am fooling around, and I am making some excuses to escape from trips to visit families. It’s hurting me, it’s hurting me so much. Every night I am sleepless, I am wondering how my brain can work so actively that I stay awake with fresh face, and next day I won’t feel sleepy at all. Probably, now I am victim of insomnia, because of terrible stress that my parents are giving me I cannot forget that. My career is most important me, but every time I try to focus, interruption will occur in my life that I had to sacrifice all my efforts. But this time, I don’t want any interruptions. It is so simple, if my parents can understand my problem, but this is not seemingly simple for me it’s looking like as if I am anticipating in a world war in order to win my fight.

My mother thinks my Master’s degree is utterly bullshit. Then I kept wondering, is she really my mother? Mother has to encourage her own kids, their dreams and their passions. But my parents never encouraged me properly. After the completion of heavy arguments, and heavy fights, my parents will accept my decision. After that, I will feel so dizzy and my body becomes exhausted. That time I will think why can’t my parents accept my decision bit early before my body gets exhausted? It is so hard to endure these things every day.

I am living in terror not in house. After waking up, I will be very careful every minute, every second and I will be alert every time keeping my parents in my mind. This is really not good; this is not the way how to lead a life. I am scared of my parents, but I do not love them. Yesterday, I visited hospital my aunt was really surprised seeing my pale face and she was asking me repeatedly “What happened to you? You look so weak; you look like having sleepless nights”. I did not give her any answer, I just smiled. That time I was thinking, if my aunt could recognize my pale face, but why didn’t my mom recognize my pale face? Does she really hate me to care about me? I have no answers for all these questions. I left everything on God; he will take care of it. He will handle my fate, he will handle my things. Whatever happens let it happen I have no energy to chase for victory. Everything I left on fate.